I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
