I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
