I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
