I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
