remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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