So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
