You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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