Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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