Is it normal to miss your booty call?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
