Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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