By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
