oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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