Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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