i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
