I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
