Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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