Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
