this beer tastes like vomit already
Fuck appropriateness.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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