I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
