Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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