its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
