Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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