The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
