take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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