Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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