My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dignity is for republicans.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
