so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
