I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
