I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
