My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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