As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
