Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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