he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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