She's JV to your varsity
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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