The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
