there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
