plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
