How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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