Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
