Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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