i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
