If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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