I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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