Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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