You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
where are my eyebrows?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
