Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
