remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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