She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
