There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
