i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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