that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
