her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
