I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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