New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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