Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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