Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
